Hi–
I’ve been getting so many great letters through this site, and I really appreciate it. I know I’m really slow at answering them, but I do intend to, swear. But there’s a whole genre of questions that I can answer right now, all at once.

Basically, I write the books and the publisher pays me, and that’s pretty much the extent of what I have influence over. Sometimes they mention cover ideas or show me ads they’re thinking of doing, but I don’t really have much say. I’m not complaining; I’m explaining. I control the words in the story, the plot of the story, the characters in the story.

I want to explain this all upfront, because I get so, so many letters from people who are upset that they can’t find certain books, or the format of books, or which countries the books are sold in, or why books cost so much. And letters about the book covers, and the models on the covers, and the art on the covers.

And the answers to all those questions is: I don’t know. I *sometimes* might know, possibly, when a book will be published for the first time, but in general, they usually don’t tell me if a book will be reissued or discontinued or get a new cover or put in a new store. But I have no idea why some bookstores have certain copies of Sweep but not others, or if they’ll make a boxed set some day, or why certain editions are really hard to find. I have no idea who the models are on the covers. It would be fun if I did, and I would feel happier if I knew why some bookstores had my books and some don’t, or if I knew when or why a publisher makes other decisions about the books, but I simply don’t. Most authors don’t. Really big name authors sometimes do. But I don’t.

I hate to disappoint you guys by writing back, I don’t know, I don’t know, but it’s just how it is.

I like answering other questions, though.

Love, Cate

This is an article about trends in YA fiction. I never thought they would actually use anything I said.

In addition to my reading, I learn from people all the time. People around me, people I know, people I don’t know. I also have a posse–we meet every couple of weeks and talk about stuff. Lately we’ve been talking about Life Lessons, and I told them about the post I put on here about the stuff I had learned. So last week when we met, we all shared different life lessons. There were a handful we had universally included–but there were also quite a few that made us do a forehead-slap and go “D’oh!”

Here are some of lessons my posse shared:

1) Everyone in your life has a gift for you, and is there to help you learn and grow in some way. Even people (maybe especially people) that you’re really struggling with. Try to find out what you’re supposed to learn from that person–it will shift all your feelings about that relationship.

2) You always have a choice. Even if you’re limited to only one possible *action,* i.e., something you *must* do–you can still decide how to think about it, how to perceive it. And which way of seeing it will serve you better?

3) It’s not about you 99.9% of the time. Other people’s lives are all about *them,* and their decisions, actions, and beliefs reflect *them.*

4) Everyone has an interesting story. (This is so, so true.)

5) Everyone has their own crap to deal with, no matter how blessed or charmed their lives seem on the outside. Believe me, it’s there.

6) Treat *yourself* at least as well as you treat your friends. Thus, be understanding and forgiving of yourself, support yourself, be loyal to yourself.

7) Failing is very useful. Chock full o’ life lessons!

One woman said she only ever prays for two things: The guidance to make the right decision; and the strength to handle whatever comes. I love that. It certainly makes my prayers that the cat won’t barf on the white carpet seem *extra* shallow.

9) Respect yourself and value yourself. Seems kind of basic, but is actually hugely profound.

10) Nurture your soul: try to be still and silent within yourself every day, even for just a few minutes.

11) Try to do no harm: think before you speak and act. Another simple-but-profound one.

12) No one can read other people’s minds. But you can and should expect them to really listen when you clearly state your needs/feelings/desires.

I read somewhere (where? It’s making me crazy!) that the ideal wedding vow would be: “I will not ever intentionally harm you. But I cannot read your mind.”

All this wisdom is making me hungry. What about your life lessons? What truths can you share?

The longer I go along in my life, the more it seems like the universe is cradling me, showing me what I need to see, providing teachers when I’m ready to learn, making things come together and crop up and appear when I need them to so that everything is working together in balance. It may very well have been doing this all along, my whole life, but for the most part, I wasn’t ready to see it. I do find that the more open I am to learning, the more I learn. I’ve had huge long periods in my life where I wasn’t really open to learning very much. Sometimes I’ve felt very threatened by learning, by knowledge–as if knowledge increases responsibility, and I wanted to avoid that. Responsibility does not have a lot of the “woohoo, party!” factor attached to it. Nowadays I’m finding that the more I embrace the weight of life, as well as the light, the more I get. Or the more complete I feel.

In general, I learn best visually. I create mental images that express emotional or psychological states. The image I have of myself when I was younger was–kind of like a possibly really amazing building, but with big mortar-shell holes in it. Big holes sort of blasted out, weakening the structure, obliterating some of the cooler features of the building. And some of the holes had, like, sheet plastic duct-taped over them, so the building could preserve some of its function–a lot of its function, but would clearly not stand the test of time.

I feel like many of my life experiences, both wonderful and horrible, have slowly filled in the big holes with tight, solid patches of bricks. And the more I know and understand myself and others, the more holes get filled in. I feel really quite solid nowadays. I still have a few holes, definitely. But I haven’t slapped sheet plastic over them–I leave them out in the sunlight, and look at them, and try to figure out how to fix them. I think I will continue to make progress on them.

Lately I’ve been doing some reading that’s very exciting for me. In general, I don’t read a lot of current fiction. Woefully unread in today’s literary world. I read genre fiction, some fantasy, for example, and some romance–nothing cheers me up like a fun romance novel! But I also read memoirs, mostly of women, and sometimes someone will recommend a book and I’ll try it.

Lately I’ve been reading: “The Dance of the Dissident Daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd. It’s about a traditionally religious woman who comes to see her church as forbiddingly patriarchal, to the point of feeling betrayed by her faith. The book is a memoir of her years-long quest to recreate a faith, a belief in the divine, that she feels honors both male and female spirit. It’s a fascinating account of a personal journey.

Also reading: “Eat, Pray, Love,” by Elizabeth Gilbert. This has been a very popular book-club book, which made me suspicious, but a writer I respect recommended it to me, and I am loving it! Also a memoir about a woman dealing with her divorce and her search for faith and meaning–but it’s very funny, very down-to-earth, not highfalutin, and full of emotional, psychological, and spiritual insights that make me shiver.

And rereading “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and therapist. It’s all about women’s mass inability to use anger effectively, to be authentic in their anger, and to clarify and define their true positions to get to what their anger is really about. Such an important and useful book for everyone. I don’t express anger very well, I don’t argue very well, but this book helps me every time I read it. It’s not just about anger in romantic relationships–anger is a touchstone in virtually every relationship, including the one you have with yourself. I love it when I write a character just forthrightly expressing her anger, because it’s not something that I myself would be able to do naturally. I live vicariously through my characters!

I’m not saying everyone should run out and read these books. Books mean different things to different people, and what’s meaningful or useful to me might leave others scratching their heads and thinking, “Huh?” But I wanted to share some of what I’m reading, doing, thinking about. It’s forming me, informing my writing. Patching up my building.

I see life as one big learning experience. I’ve learned exquisite, soul-changing things, and also stuff that I would have much preferred not to learn. But in general, I find learning to be about the most satisfying and meaningful thing about living every day. Knowledge is never wasted. It’s something of infinite value that, once owned, can never be taken away.

There are many, many things, good and bad, that can truly be learned only by experiencing them oneself. But there are lots of things that I’ve learned by watching someone else, seeing it in action, or reading about it.

On the off chance that anything I’ve learned thus far might be of use to anyone else, I’ve made a very partial list:

1) When you meet someone, if you give them a genuine, friendly smile, they’ll feel 1000% better. I learned this in seventh grade, when I met the girl who would become my best friend. She smiled.

2) Don’t eat your favorite foods if you feel at all sick; once you throw something up, you won’t want to eat it again for a loooong time.

3) One should have as many practical skills as possible: how to cook, manage money, drive a manual stickshift, sew on a button, useful phrases in foreign languages, how to use tools, how to put water in a car’s radiator, how to start a lawnmower. The more you know how to do yourself, the more you won’t have to rely on others. Having to rely on others for simple things makes you less independent.

4) Do the best job you can at whatever your job is. If your job is to type up a list of phone calls, make it perfect. If your job is to make sandwiches, make fabulous sandwiches. If your acting job is to walk across the stage in the background, throw yourself into it. If someone sees you handling a small job incredibly well, they’ll feel that you’re capable of handling a larger, more important job. If someone sees you seething with resentment over having to do a small job that is beneath you, they will not at all feel inclined to trust you with something more important.

5) Be fair and gracious whenever you can. But don’t be a doormat.

6) Good words to know: Please. Thank you. Excuse me.

7) The ability to apologize sincerely and admit you were wrong is a very, very important skill. I didn’t learn it till I was in my twenties, but it’s stood me in good stead ever since.

Chocolate goes well with almost any other flavor.

9) Try all different kinds of food. You might find something incredible that you didn’t know about.

10) Two main skills I work on all the time: Patience and compassion. Still a challenge sometimes.

11) Nothing is cuter than a baby animal.

12) Having your own baby will force you to be less squeamish about any number of things.

13) Scuffling through dried leaves is very satisfying.

14) Eating a Snickers bar at 10 in the morning is pretty much always a mistake. One I still make all too often.

15) A sense of humor is like an overcoat that protects you from a lot.

16) It hurts so bad to get your heart broken when you’re young. It hurts more the older you get.

17) Besides your parents, no one is as invested in taking care of you than you. So take good care of yourself, because you’re the one who cares the most.

18) If you’re embarrassed about something you’re doing, you need to get over it, throw your shoulders back, and let it rip. If you’re *ashamed* of something you’re doing, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

19) Read your surroundings and adjust your behavior accordingly.

20) You do not need to express every thought that goes through your head. Sometimes shutting up is the best thing to do.

21) Try to do your best, be your best, but also cut yourself some slack. No one can be perfect all the time.

22) If there’s a dead animal within a quarter-mile of your house, your dog will find it, roll in it, and it will be bad.

23) It is not your job to fix or improve anyone else. It’s your job to make sure you yourself are in good working order.

24) Make sure your partner wants to be with you because of who you are NOW, not who you might become, or who you have the potential to be if only you were X, Y, or Z. Oh, my god, how many times did I have to learn this? A LOT.

25) Thoughts are only thoughts, and thoughts alone cannot hurt you. Thoughts are only thoughts, and you have the power to change your thoughts. They cannot control you. You can control them. I learned this when I was 42.

26) Being in love should not feel like a lot of work. Some work, yes. Not a lot of work. It should not feel like pain.

27) The main reason most parents do anything is to keep you safe and protect you. For better or worse.

28) Life changes all the time. Nothing stays the same forever. This is sometimes incredibly sad, and sometimes the most fantastic thing ever.

29) So, so many things are so beautiful, if you pay attention. Finding beauty in something and enjoying it costs no money whatsoever.

30) No matter how much you know or how together you are, you don’t know everything. No matter how much he knows or how together he is, he doesn’t know everything, either.

Some of these lessons were painless and easy, many of them were gut-wrenchingly hard. But I’m glad I know them.